Growing up is something that I never really wanted to do, but every now and then something happens, and the way I respond shows me that perhaps it already happened. It seems to have already occurred, without my consent or knowledge. I guess its almost like the lights been switched and now, I am more often an adult then I am a kid, if that makes any sense. I am still not very happy about it, but it appears that there is not much I can do… all of a sudden I am a real fair dinkum grown up… who would have thought.
At the moment my life is a little complicated, and without going into to too much detail, because its not really my story to share, things haven’t quite turned out they way I always imagined they would, in fact its very different to what I would have wanted or expected. But the crazy thing about it is, surprisingly I find my self ok. Perhaps the reality of it hasn’t quite hit me yet, or I am not really sure how to react, but how I feel is also very different to what I would have expected. Sure I am sad, confused, angry, frustrated all the emotions associated with when the poopie hits the fan, but still I am ok. At times I think maybe that means I am not ok, maybe that’s a sign that I have used up all my tears and appropriate emotional responses when I wasted them on over reactions, or things that weren’t really worth crying about. Or perhaps it just means I have grown up and I have that peace of God that goes beyond all understanding.
I love music, this much you probably already know, but what you may not know is that when I am struggling with stuff, I am often reminded that God still loves me and cares for me more than I will ever know through different songs. Because it turns out he is a clever guy and knows that this is what gets me and my attention. The songs aren’t always by Christian artists, but often they are, which makes sense really, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, I guess its kinda like a soundtrack for my life, sure there are some happy ones, some adventure ones, perhaps even some theme songs, but dotted through out my life, are lots of times when a song has got me through so to speak, that inspirational song that gets the hero (in this case me) going and on the right path. For example, when I got the job up here, the song ‘The Climb’ by Miley Cyrus was playing…appropriate much! Then when it dawned on me what the job actually meant and what I was going to have to do, I needed a new song and that was ‘My Life is in Your Hands’ by Brooklyn Tab. And that song lasted a while really, every time I got homesick or I was feeling a little down I would play it and it would remind me that my life was in His hands and it would be ok. Anyway, recently I have been listening to a song by one of my favourite artists, Ginny Owens, and it’s a song that I have actually had on the soundtrack before, when my Dad moved to China. But its back, and I need these words now, more than ever. The lyrics say:
“A million miles away from anything familiar, a thousand places that I'd rather be.So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side,
though I find it hard to see though all my suffering.
In my heart I know your plan is so much bigger,
but this small part is all that I can see.
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander,
still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me.
And I ask why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go, ‘til I see, ‘til I know why this road.
A million miles away from anything familiar,
what was it like to be so far from home?
Though you came in love, the world misunderstood you.
There must have been some days when you felt so alone.
But you endured, because there was joy before you, joy that came because you sacrificed.
Since you gave yourself just to spend forever with me,
surely I can trust you'll lead me through my darkest times,
When I ask why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go ‘til I see, ‘til I know why this road.
From here I can't see why you'd choose this path for me,
but I don't have to understand to believe
That you know why this road, why this way and this load.
You know how far I must go ‘til I see, ‘til I know why this road”
Perhaps it’s the truth in these words that lets me feel this peace, this okness with what’s going on, because I may not know why or understand, but I have a God that does and his word promises “that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28). So even though its crap now, God will make it work…someway, some how… I just have to trust.
I guess that's just all part of the adventure!
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